Great Moments In 20th Century Music

The history behind Sam Cooke and the famous Copacabana nightclub is quite storied. It was a tumultuous time in his troubled life, and in American history with regards to civil rights. His album At The Copa is one of the most triumphant, amazing soul albums ever recorded.

I hope happiness for everyone I know (and everyone I don't) in 2015. Instead of taking your New Year's Eve midnight moment to make a resolution of change, I humbly suggest that you take the moment to reflect and be thankful for what and whom you have. You never know when your heart will up and walk away from you. This song makes me wish for someone, but most of all I wish her happiness. I hope the kiss she shares at midnight tastes like love.

I wish I could shower her whole body in midnight kisses with all the love on my lips until her trembling self was overflowing, but I wish for too much.

"When I Fall In Love" – Sam Cooke

My two closest coworkers are two Mexican women from Tijuana. They are kind enough to let me speak my poorly crafted Spanish with them whenever I feel like. One of them, Alondra, has the last name Salinas. I showed her the sticker I bought from the National Steinbeck Center in Salinas, CA, that says "I ♥ Salinas".

Me, Alondra and Yolanda went to breakfast together. I told them I was thinking about asking another coworker, Yesenia, out on a date but then I found out she has a boyfriend. Alondra said to Yolanda, "él tiene un corazón roto," which means "He has a broken heart." I said, "Yes, I do. But not because of Yesenia." Then they were asking who broke my heart but I just dismissed it by saying it was a long story.

---

I guess she went to Chicago. I saw her, beautiful, smiling with her man.

I wish I were blind.

I'm officially declaring that D'Angelo's new album is brilliant. Haters of the falsetto voice can step to the side.

"Really Love" – D'Angelo

---

The lyrics of the last track "Another Life" really make me feel her.

"How does one attempt to be
the kind of friend that you would want to keep?
I just want to say to thee,
even though it may be hard to believe,

the candy-coated thoughts that drift in my sleep
lets me know it's you that holds the key.
I got a craving for confection so sweet,
for the taste of when our lips first meet.

In another life I bet you wouldn't know.
In another life I bet you were my girl.

I just want to take you with me
to secret rooms in the mansions of my mind.
Shower you with all that you need.
Take my hand, I swear I'll take my time.

I'm not surprised to find that angels compete
for the chance to lay down at your feet.
I'm gonna touch in all the places that please,
pull you close, I wanna feel you breathe.

In another life, I bet you wouldn't know.
In another life, I bet you were my girl."

black to the future

I love the fact that the new D'Angelo album is called Black Messiah for many reasons, one of which is that it reminds me of the best nickname I ever had: Black Stephen.

a weekly recap

My stepdad's father died.

My niece wanted to do another reading project with me, so, given her enjoyment of the movie Interstellar, we're reading the fantastic science fiction novel The Sirens Of Titan by Kurt Vonnegut together.

I assisted the game-winning goal on my soccer team with a perfect cross into the box. I was really proud of myself, momentarily.

I saw the new Chris Rock movie Top Five with my friend Teasha. It was funny. I enjoy the fact that Chris Rock is a huge Woody Allen fan. It's not every day you find a movie that references both 2Pac and Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

I bought a ticket to see Damien Rice perform at the Greek Theatre in LA in April.

---

D'Angelo's new album came out today, unannounced, and I only discovered it by chance. It's going to take several listens to analyze. I'm not sure people understand how much I love his Voodoo album. There is a select few albums I can remember where I was and what I was doing when I first heard them, and Voodoo is one of them.

The first time I listened to Voodoo, I was in North Carolina visiting my brother and his family. It was early afternoon and I went into my nephew's nursery to lay down on the floor and nap because I hadn't slept very much that night. The reason I hadn't slept much that night is because I had recently met someone, a woman, whom I had been texting all night. My family was in the other room watching some terrible movie and I laid on the floor and listened to Voodoo. I remember that weekend quite vividly. It was the first time my niece had seen the ocean. And I was texting this woman all weekend, dodging questions from my family about who I was texting, cause I didn't want to jinx or spoil it. Sigh. Somewhere along the line I guess I did anyway. But with every flash of my phone I smiled that weekend.

I miss her. That friend that gets everything and listens and who speaks words more beautiful than flowers in bloom. I miss her silky, sure voice lapping on my eardrums. The things she used to say stirred my blood like I've never known before or since. I miss her so badly I make a fool of myself too often. It's a true shame when someone says everything you've ever wanted to hear and it turns out to be meaningless words. I mean, if they were meaningless, why did they have to seem so right?

---

Woke up alone and felt as though I'd been dropped deep into a barren forest midwinter. Bad, strange, vast, sad, maudlin dreams that I can't even explain attacked me in my sleep. The dreadful images and the characters, the despair in the ether, are spinning and crashing in my head like a crushing whirlpool spinning thunderously in a stormy ocean.

I woke up and started crying. I wish I had someone to wake up next to who could calm my heart and my head with just one touch of her skin, one gaze in her eyes and one smile. With one warm silent breath of her sleeping self I would know comfort in the night intimately.

My face is wet. The pillow next to me is empty. I cried for all the empty pillows of the past and I cry for all the many empty pillows still to be.

I remember the playground outside her sister's apartment where she sat on the wood and watched as her daughter and I played together, sliding and swinging and smiling and laughing and making up the goofiest of songs.

Oh, what a day(s) that was.

I don't think I'll be capable of posting a lot during this holiday season. I've already begun to feel that old familiar emotional slump quite deeply.

The last four digits of my new work number are 0109. What the fuck, Life? Is that supposed to be funny?!

Anyway. I hate how not hearing from her makes me feel. I hate how fragile I am, and jealous. I hate how much of a worthless package I am. I hate how the taste of her skin has never left my lips/tongue.

---

My only recommendation for a holiday song: "Listening To Otis Redding At Home During Christmas" – Okkervil River

"There's a tangle of greenery
where winter scenery ends.
And I hear that song sometimes,
imagine us much more than friends."

I dreamt that we were poolside in some sort of tropical resort, sitting a few chairs apart from one another. We weren't saying anything but she knew I was there. Then some chiseled idiot stranger walks up to her and asks her to put his sunscreen on him and and she gets up, walks over to him, and starts rubbing it on his back. And in the dream all I could do was be brokenhearted and jealous about her wanting someone other than me, and about him getting to feel her hands on his skin. To see and think and know her tender touch on another man was like having the whole ocean in my eyes.

---

"Do you come
together ever with him?
Is he dark enough,
enough to see your light?
Do you brush your teeth before you kiss?
Do you miss my smell?
Is he bold enough to take you on?
Do you feel like you belong?
Does he drive you wild
or just mildly free?"

I can hear my roommates watching Silver Linings Playbook in the living room and it's just, it's... not good. I don't want to hear it and I don't want to think about it. The last thing I need is a bullshit movie about depressed people. Not to mention Katniss is in it. I'm feeling very anxious and alone right now.

Yesterday the soccer player Lionel Messi broke another record. He scored 3 goals (with the phenomenal help of his teammate Neymar) and those 3 goals have made him the highest goalscorer in the history of the Spanish league, where he plays for FC Barcelona. I thoroughly enjoyed watching it happen. It's goals like these that convince me sport can be beautiful.

Lionel Messi's historic hat trick

I just thought of a great idea for a book that could be a sequel to Dr. Seuss's Oh, The Places You'll Go!

It would be a sex-ed book called Oh, The Places You'll Come!

the S in sky

Can't sleep.

Today/yesterday has been strange. There was a giant "S" in the clouds, and I watched it linger there for long, hovering over the ocean. And me.

Later in the day I spoke with a woman on the phone, someone I hadn't hear speak before. I nearly fainted at her first words. She sounded so exactly like the S i know, i listened to her for five minutes with my head and my heart confused and flooding with phone call memories. It felt like it was a cruel elaborate prank from the universe. Honestly, the voices and speech pattern, the breathing, the pauses, were so similar i almost asked if it was her, but i almost didn't want a confirmation that it wasn't her. I wanted to pretend it was.

A storm just came through. A brief one but the wind was blowing hard and the rain falling heavy. I heard a strange sound at the window (it hasn't stormed here in ages) and went to see what it was. The trees were flailing and the water was falling in a lovely weeping.

---

I first noticed the "S" in the sky when I was listening to Nick Drake. A song called "Horn" came on as I was surveying the clouds and it was a brief mystical moment the way everything clicked. It was a moment I wanted to share, to anyone and someone who might be getting cold this winter so I decided to make a video, as a sort of early Christmas present. If you find yourself lost in winter, hopefully this brief view can provide you or any beach baby some warmth. You can pretend you're on the beach with me and that the mystical moment was shared and not just half-experienced. The two songs that play are "Horn" and "Know" from Nick Drake's album Pink Moon. I know the quality is not great but gimme a break it was done on probably the oldest digital camera still working today. You can see the lower half of the "S" sitting in the sky (full picture at the bottom of the page).

I ask you now and i shall forever wonder: what good is a sky without S?

---

"Time has told me
you're a rare, rare find.
A troubled cure
for a troubled mind.

And time has told me
not to ask for more.
For some day our ocean
will find it's shore."

Great Moments In 20th Century Music

My ipod was at it again this morning, hitting me with a heavy dose of the blues.

First in the form of "Brass Buttons" by Gram Parsons and then "Bad Liver And A Broken Heart" by Tom Waits.

On the plus side... well, I'll think of something.

"It was a dream much too real
to be leaned against too long.
All the time, I think she knew.
Her words still dance inside my head,
her comb still lies beside my bed.
And the sun comes up without her.
It just doesn't know she's gone."

"I wish you'da known her,
we were quite a pair.
She was sharp as a razor
and soft as a prayer."

p.p.s.

Political post script:

Watched Jon Stewart be interviewed by David Letterman, and was admiring how articulate and affable he is even when devoid of his comedic script/venue on The Daily Show.

David asked him what he had learned from spending several months in the Mid East (Jordan and Egypt) filming his movie. Jon said, "It's not even so much that I learned anything in so much as that it reinforced my belief that so much of the dialogue between countries occurs at a governmental level that is so one-dimensional, and that when you get into the weeds with the individuals in countries and the nuance, it's... you realize that there is a common cause in a way that you might not have thought possible. With these countries that we don't know that much about and we hear very stereotypical and very prejudicial things about... A lot of times in these countries, in that part of the world, they're sort of trapped between kind of authoritarianism and extremism. But the majority of people, the overwhelming majority of people, just want to carve out a little space for expression."

I hope when I die that people say I was articulate. Affable isn't bad either.

Bill Maher conducted a good interview with Rand Paul on his HBO program the other day. They discussed voters' rights, immigration reform, the war on drugs and the U.S.'s failing prison and foreign policies. The only thing I didn't like was Bill failed to press the issue of denouncing the Citizens United stance that "corporations are people". Since Paul is a registered Republican I'm sure he wouldn't directly denounce it, and he did give a cohesive, thoughtful response when questioned about the issue, but if a Republican said point-blank that it's a ridiculous position to agree with, that would be much more refreshing.

At the moment, I'd still rather see the Independent socialist Bernie Sanders or Massachusetts democrat Elizabeth Warren in the white house come 2016. Or of course that handsome devil Gavin Newsom from San Francisco, but he's probably a long way off from running. I'll bet he does one day, though. Sanders and Warren should run as partners, that'd be the political shit.

the robotic uprising has begun

I think our robotic overlords from the future have decided to start destroying humanity with me. They're going to take out the weak ones first, with sad music. I think this because my ipod was utterly against me this morning. First it played "Secret Garden" by Bruce Springsteen, then it played "Humble Me" by Norah Jones.

Clearly it's out to get me.

---

"She'll let you in her mouth,

if the words you say are right.

If you pay the price

she'll let you deep inside."

Is that why I talk so much? I miss her kiss.

I paid, I paid! Where's that damned receipt?!

"Then she'll look at you and smile

and her eyes will say

she's got a secret garden,

where everything you want

where everything you need

will always stay

a million miles away."

Why does it have to be so many miles away, Bruce.

"What do you say

when it's all gone away.

Baby I didn't mean to hurt you.

Truth spoke in whispers

will tear you apart

no matter how hard you resist it.

It never rains when you want it to."

Oh Norah. What do you say?

My niece is slowly (and quickly) approaching that first step toward womanhood. Well, a step anyway. I don't know all the exact steps. I decided today that it was an appropriate time to introduce her to Damien Rice. Don't worry, I kept her away from the rather complex adult material that pervades a handful of his tracks.

I showed her the songs "I Don't Want To Change You", "Lonely Soldier" and "Colour Me In". Then it turns out my mother was having a bad day so I told my niece to text her and say that she loved her, to cheer my mother up. Here is part of our conversation:

Me: Did you text nana?
Niece: Yes
Me: High five. That's teamwork! I love you, by the way. You're in my top five humans. :P
Niece: I love you too. And wow that's a privilege lol... Who are the other four
Me: good question. and way to go spelling "privilege" correctly. That word gets butchered a lot. But the story of my favorite people is long and sometimes sad so I'm not ready to tell you all five yet. Just know that you and Rocco are on that shortlist. Also, I love everyone.
Niece: Alright. Go Rocco!
Me: One of my other favorite people went as Katniss for halloween. I'm sure if you ever met her you'd love her.
Niece: Anyone who is Katniss is a friend of mine.

S and R are on that list. But I can't tell my niece about them yet. It'll be many more years. She's pretty sensitive and it would break her heart to hear about how i lost the love of my life.

Fucked up again, as usual. Emailed her when I shouldn't have. I wanted to post a picture of me in my halloween costume next to a picture of she in hers, then I looked at the two photos side by side. I look like an idiot next to her gorgeous self. Should see that it would never work. But can't see what she ever (supposedly) saw in me. Or maybe I do see it and that's what I miss. The eyes. Her eyes. They're like undiscovered treasure (sorry for the pirate reference). Sigh.

One of life's regrets is that I never got a photograph of us together. But I never thought I'd need one. I thought that in time all my life would be one beautiful momentary photograph after another, so fantastical that no mere digital capture could contain it.

Hope is a pretty thing. Delicate, like most beauty.

[Editor's note] Despite the fact that she's out of my league, we look awesome together. She's a dream I'll chase for the rest of my insignificant life.

The name I use in the depression chat room I sometimes visit is "messy", cause I'm a fan of the Argentinean soccer player Lionel Messi and word play, and I had a nice conversation with a woman named layeredpaper.

layeredpaper: we talked about circle stories, the way that a lot of children's books are written like that. like "if you give a mouse a cookie"
messy: if you give a mouse a cookie.... jesus. sad memories.
layeredpaper: yeah, i know that book sort of bites a bit but when you teach
messy: "if you give a mouse a cookie" has very personal connotations for me.
layeredpaper: well i am just bringing up all your life references somehow, with james joyce and "give a mouse a cookie"... sorry if i bum you out inadvertantly. i need to go because my senile old dog is needing something. he's got dog dementia and thinks he needs a million things at 2 am ish almost every night. so i take him outside...and i can't let him go out there alone because he gets lost in the fenced back yard :(
messy: i was with a woman once, a woman i truly loved. and she had a daughter whom i also loved. her little daughter and i used to read "if you give a mouse a cookie" together.
layeredpaper: oh :( that must be hard if you're not with her any more
messy: dumb dog. why is he following you? :P annie reference
layeredpaper: reading to a child is one of the greater gifts in life in my opinion
messy: agreed. have a good night.

In the house where I live, there is a fireplace. The owners have enjoyed using it a lot as the weather has turned crisp.

I really love fireplaces, but they are also very sad to me. I see so much in the flames. Very very sad.

Great Moments In 21st Century Music

Amazing that she smiles throughout this song, because it's written about her significant other who died from an accidental overdose. I think you can see she really loved him because she accepted his rather obvious faults and is able to remember him fondly rather than be angry at him for disappearing... "I'd do it all again" is a nice sentiment. "My heart's an open door/You got all you came for."

"I'd Do It All Again" – Corinne Bailey Rae

"All these useless dreams of living..."

Damn.

Sigh.

Three out of the last four times I've gone inside a convenience store, Sam Smith has been on the radio. It happened again last night.

Also, I got a short term contracted job with the United States Postal Service that expires 01/09/2015. 109.

I'm on my way to becoming Charles Bukowski, except for never getting laid and never getting published, but sometimes just as drunk.

---

"'Every time I see you you have a drink in your hand. You call that protecting yourself?'
'It's the best way I know. Without drink I would have long ago cut my god-damned throat.'
'That's bullshit.'
'Nothing's bullshit that works. The Pershing Square preachers have their God, I have the blood of my god!'
I raised my glass and drained it.
'You're just hiding from reality,' Becker said.
'Why not?'
'You'll never be a writer if you hide from reality.'
'What are you talking about? That's what writers do!'"

– Bukowski

Great Moments In 21st Century Texting

Sometimes I text my mother lyrics from a song and pretend that it is stuff that is actually happening in my life. She fell for one today that was pretty awesome. I had no idea that she'd actually buy it.

Me: Did I tell you what happened on monday?
Mom: No...what happened?
Me: I was just out Monday, ran into a friend down the street where i live
Mom: exciting...
Me: sad things begin, i could feel from within. i could tell from the message he had to give. about a buddy of mine who ran out of time. somebody past knew him shot across the room, and now the man no longer lives. too bad about him. too sad about him.
Mom: Your friend was shot and killed?
Me: Don't get me wrong, the man is gone but it's a wonder he lived this long. but there can't be no fun being shot with a handgun. sad bloody mess. shot all up in his chest.
Mom: that's terrible.
Me: up in the city they called him boss jack. but down home he was an alley cat.
Mom: wait a minute...
Me: hahahahaha
Mom: You dork! I was feeling bad about your friend... you suck.
Me: that was the best one so far. it's a curtis mayfield song called "billy jack".
Mom: yeah, yeah.

---

Also, "Billy Jack" by Curtis Mayfield is one of the grooviest tracks I've ever had the pleasure to hear, and I highly recommend checking it out. First time I ever heard it was a couple years ago when I went to First Avenue in Minneapolis to see Okkervil River in concert. Prior to the show "Billy Jack" came on the sound system and I was so into it I asked the sound guy what the song was. I had two Curtis Mayfield albums already but I hadn't heard that song before or the album it is on, which it turns out is a fantastic album. Here is a link if you want to hear it:

"Billy Jack" – Curtis Mayfield

Well, so far I've survived the emotional onslaught that is the music of Damien Rice. I really think the new album is exquisite, I just wish I had my dear friend to talk about and listen to it with. Only five of its eight songs made me cry, so that's a win for me, right? I was crying at the library, which thankfully wasn't heavily populated. Then I went to the beach to listen again as the sun set. I think my favorite song on the album is "Colour Me In". "The Greatest Bastard" doesn't even count, cause even though I love it I can barely listen to that song. It's too much like a cheese grater grinding on my heart. When I was listening to "The Greatest Bastard" I was staring into the water off the pier, and the sunlight was playing on the wave crests like a bright light bulb on silver tinsel. That old familiar warm blanket feeling of just falling into the blue green water and floating away fell over me.

Anyway. Here are some photos I took coupled with some of my favorite lyrics from the day's music.

"We learned that lovers love to sing
and that losers love to cling. Didn't we?"

"So don't give me love with an old book of rules,
that kind of love's just for fools.
And I'm over it."

"You could be my favorite place I've ever been.
I got lost in your willingness to dream within the dream.
You could be my favorite faded fantasy.
I have hung my happiness on what it all could be."

"I tried to repress it, then I carried it's crown.
I reached out to undress it, and love let me down.
So I tried to erase it, but the ink bled right through.
Almost drove myself crazy when these words led to you."

"It takes a lot to breathe, to touch, to feel.
The slow reveal of what another body needs."

Well, I just downloaded the new Damien Rice album. About to give it a listen.

Wish me luck, cruel world!

"You could be my favorite taste to touch my tongue.
I know someone who could serve me love but it wouldn't fill me up.
You could have my favorite face and favorite name,
I know someone who could play the part but it wouldn't be the same.
No it wouldn't be the same..."

Good god, here we go.

fun physics fact of the day

A light-year is often mistaken for a unit of time, when in fact it is a measure of distance. A light-year is approximately six trillion miles.

---

When I was eighteen years old I was accepted into the University of Iowa as a double major in physics and philosophy. I abandoned my enrollment because, while I met all other criteria, my ACT score was one point shy of the requirement for qualification for a full-ride scholarship open to freshman physics majors. I also was enjoying my job working with kids, reading physics and philosophy books in my free time. Education should be free.

Anyway. One of my soccer teammates is an older gentleman from Germany named Beren. He has a master's degree in physics and is a professor/researcher of nanotechnology. He's also a better soccer player than me, but he's from Germany for God's sakes, so obviously. I also have a dear friend named Stephen who has a PhD in philosophy and who is now getting a master's degree in German Studies at Cornell University in Ithaca, NY. He and Gina are trying to get me to visit but I don't have the means at the moment.

I'm sure that when I die I won't lament the missed opportunities for a college degree, for money unearned, for success unachieved. Love is all that matters. Life, without love, is just a series of meaningless hieroglyphics that aren't even worth translating.

Bought new sheets today. But they're not pink.

---

One of my favorite Third Eye Blind lyrics:

"Nothing much matters to me so I don't see why
I should hold so tightly to a memory that I can't speak of.
I think about it nightly how you opened up your life for me.
Why are you still lonely?
Though I'm not the type who begs,
I'm thinking how you'd open up your legs.
And I'm farther from you every day."

This song has been haunting my weekend:

"Find The River" – R.E.M.

I've had this poem stuck in my head all day, but I can't remember where I read it or who the author is. Maybe you can help me. Here's what I can remember of the words:

"I just want to marry the pussy.
I just want to marry the pussy.
I just want to marry the pussy.
Wanna go down on my knees
and ask that pussy to marry me."

... It was either Alfred Lord Tennyson or R. Kelly.

---

Okay that was a joke. That song was not in my head all day. Today I mostly listened to 2Pac and Björk.

A few weeks ago a friend of mine texted me because she was listening to "Nice & Slow" by Usher and it made her think of me. I asked her, "At what point in my life should I start to worry that women only think of me when they hear Usher or R. Kelly?" She said, "You should be worried already."

That reminds me of one time when I was sat at a bus stop listening to a new Usher album, waiting for S to come pick me up. We went to the park and held hands... sigh. I just want to marry the hand hold.

For the record, even I find Kelly's song "Marry The Pussy" somewhat disturbing. I'd love to get Tennyson's opinion, though.

Great Moments In 21st Century Television

I'm at the La Jolla library, next to the Bs in fiction. Apparently, Glenn Beck is a published novelist. That sort of makes me want to quit writing altogether.

---

For the purposes of the following joke, let me clarify a few things. This quotation is from the first episode of Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle called "Toilet Books", wherein comedian Stewart Lee talks about the history of literature and publishing and the condition the business/profession is in today. Lee derisively reads from radio DJ Chris Moyles's second volume of autobiography, which the author himself states is about "nothing" and is just a "toilet book" full of pointless anecdotes. Lee also makes fun of comedian Jeremy Clarkson, the host of the popular BBC program Top Gear, because Clarkson is a reactionary figure who is often making sexist, racist or otherwise bigoted remarks, yet still has like twenty books published. Enjoy.

"Apparently the eighteenth century polymath Thomas Young was the last person to have read all the books published in his lifetime. That means he would've read all the Shakespeare and all the Greek and Roman classics, and all the theology and all the philosophy and all the science. But the same man today, a man who had read all the books published today, would've had to have read all Dan Brown's novels, two volumes of Chris Moyles autobiography, The World According To Clarkson by Jeremy Clarkson, The World According To Clarkson Two by Jeremy Clarkson, The World According To Clarkson Three by Jeremy Clarkson... His mind would be awash with bad metaphors and unsustainable reactionary opinion, and one long anecdote about the time Comedy Dave put pound coins in the urinal. In short, the man who had read everything published today would be more stupid than a man who had read nothing."

Great Moments In 21st Century Film

In honor of yesterday's elections that nobody knew about, here's a nice little dialogue from the end of Killing Me Softly:

Two men sitting at a bar overhear President Obama on TV saying, "We affirm that fundamental truth, that out of many we are one."
Man #1: "You hear that line? Line's for you."
Man #2: "Don't make me laugh. We're one people? It's a myth, created by Thomas Jefferson."
Man #1: "Oh now you're going to have a go at Jefferson, huh?"
Man #2: "My friend, Jefferson's an American saint. Because he wrote the words 'All men are created equal,' words he clearly didn't believe since he allowed his own children to live in slavery. He was a rich wine-snob who was sick of paying taxes to the Brits, so yeah he wrote some lovely words and aroused the rabble and they went out and died for those words while he sat back and drank his wine and fucked his slave girl. This guy wants to tell me we're living in a community? Don't make me laugh. I'm living in America, and in America you're on your own. America's not a country, it's just a business. Now fucking pay me."

the sleep of the damned

When I go to bed, I lay on my side with my arms crossed around myself. I'm tired of holding myself. I wake up every two hours, every night, look into the darkness and see nothing looking back.

---

This morning I dreamt many things, but in the final scenes of my dream I sat at the bottom of a staircase watching TV. Next to me was a computer. Earlier in the dream a person I knew in my childhood was sitting at the computer. But this time, it was her. I looked over at the computer and saw her on it and at first I didn't believe it. I got up and walked around the computer to see if it was really her. She didn't look at me, she just stared at the screen with a faint smile. I felt lucky to be close to her, even if she didn't notice me, so I sat back down by the stairs. I gave her a goofy stare and she noticed me. I saw her eyes come around the side of the computer screen, which was glowing on her face, lighting her up, and she laughed and smiled at me. Then she went back to the computer. I kept doing it though, and her eyes kept making contact with mine and she would smile and laugh her lovely laugh. We were being silly together. Then when she wasn't looking at me, I just looked at her longingly, as if from a great distance. I looked at her and appreciated her beauty. In the dream I wondered what she would do if I leaned over and kissed her, but I decided that she would back away and I didn't want that humiliation. So I just kept making her laugh with my silly glances, doomed to be content in her peripheral view, I suppose.

Then the next thing I know I'm running in slow motion on a high, steep cliff above the rocky ocean. I knew that if I slipped on the gravel I would fall over the side. The gravel I was running on was spotted with all these clear puddles. I heard an ambulance next to me and I turned to see it pass. I was very nervous about taking the wrong step. I looked down at a puddle in front of me and there was a big puffed up fish (I'm certain it was supposed to be a bananafish) floating in the water. I misstepped and went plunging (still in slow motion) down the side of the cliff, watching the rock travel by me. As I fell I was thinking, "This must be a dream, I have to wake up before I hit the water," but I hit the water. I guess maybe it didn't hurt (I can't remember) because it was in slow motion but I remember an oxygen mask being placed on me and then I don't remember anything else.

Sleep can be a real bastard, sometimes.

Plus, why do they call it dreaming? I mean, if it was really my dream it would have a lot more picnics, jokes, autumn leaves, kisses, rain, sex, hand-holding, ear-nibbling, laughter, spooning, listening, sharing, deep eye-locks... all that good stuff.

Come on, brain. Go figure out how to dream and then get back to me.

---

"Crawl into my ambulance, your pulse is getting weak.

Reveal yourself all now to me girl, while you've got the strength to speak.

Cause they're waiting for you at Bellevue with their oxygen masks.

But I could give it all to you now, if only you would ask.

Don't call for your surgeon, even he says it's too late.

It's not your lungs this time, it's your heart that holds your fate." - Springsteen

Here's the mesmeric, poetic song that has been my companion today:

"The future here is shattered
your voice is thin as rain
Unholy broken shadows
you know you'll never tame

This winter lake is frozen
cold fantasy turned on its side
The screw just keeps on turning
but it's guilt makes you decide

That you can't cry
Although you've tried
Run and hide
But don't you cry

The clocks have stopped their ticking
time grips you in its vice
These hands have always claimed you
marooned here in midnight

Poets have their studies
Babies have their might
Just visions from the hilltop
or a train journey late at night

But you can't cry
Although you've tried
Run and hide
But don't you cry

Faces haunt the mirror
dark voices close behind
They're nothing to the horror
of the loneliness you hide

Your morning views its headstone
its cruelty knows no bounds
A mist enshrouds tomorrow
Today the hammer pounds

But you can't cry
Although you've tried
Run and hide
But don't you cry

Got no dreams to speak of
Hope's teeth they start to bite
Your heart of molten ashes
its sparks shower you in spite

You envy all the others
the ones who own their eyes
Serenity is a planet
on which you can't reside

Your lover's ghostly memory
haunts you all your days
His ship sails bold horizons
You stalk him in its wake

But you can't cry
Although you've tried
Run and hide
from what's inside
Oh you can't cry
Although you've tried
Run and hide
But don't you cry

He knows that she's so sad
She knows the clocks don't turn back
He knows that she's so sad
She knows the clocks don't turn back"

"Don't You Cry" – Richard Hawley

---

Sigh. I'm not ready to face another new month.

Advice on what to listen to...

The first time I heard Richard Hawley was about two years ago in the fantastic documentary Exit Through The Gift Shop made by the street artist Banksy. Hawley's song "Tonight The Streets Are Ours" opens and closes the film. I looked him up when the film was over and have been a fan since. He's a contemporary English musician who mixes a wide range of genres across his various albums. My two favorite albums of his are Coles Corner, which is his most popular and critically acclaimed, and Truelove's Gutter. I hadn't listened to them in about six months, so sat near the water in a bay on a cloudy day and listened. The track I'm recommending below is the title song of Coles Corner. It was really getting into my head. I listened to it on repeat. It reminds me of wandering through softly lit pedestrian thoroughfares in fall or winter, surrounded by others but awfully alone, like in Boulder or Iowa City, or even the haymarket in Lincoln.

Was pretty sad today (I know I know, me sad?!). On a bike ride at night it started to rain a gentle downpour and it felt nice to be caught in it. It barely rains here now, since the draught started a few years ago. I couldn't help but think though how lovely a rain it was being wasted on me and my bicycle. It would have been so much better spent on lovers holding hands on a walk through any dark autumn street of Iowa City.

Sigh. Every day hurts, but holidays hurt in a special kind of way. Or maybe they don't. Maybe I can't tell the difference between days anymore. I don't even know. Anyway:

"Coles Corner" – Richard Hawley

"I'm going downtown where there's music.
I'm going where voices fill the air.
Maybe there's someone waiting for me,
with a smile and a flower in her hair.

I'm going downtown where there's people.
My loneliness hangs in the air.
With no one there real waiting for me,
no smile, no flower nowhere."

Great Moments In 20th Century Television

The time on The Simpsons when Homer tried to build a barbecue pit and it perfectly summed up how life sometimes feels:

Homer builds a barbecue pit

Not the best quality video but it's all I could find.

ask not for whom the fall flowers

i wrote a poem:

Scholars would have us believe
that the sun rises and sets
as a matter of rotation.

But I know the sun only dances for you.

Learned men will try to tell you
that the ocean tides obey the moon.

But I know the ocean only waves for you.

Scientists will argue
that leaves change in autumn
to wither and die quiet deaths.

But I know the fall flowers for you.

The sun loves to wake to your face
The ocean loves to try to reach you
The leaves love to lay at your feet

Should you ever cease to love them back
the sun, the ocean and the leaves
would serve no purpose anymore.

fall flowers for you

Cheer up, beautiful.

Sometimes it feels like there is a boa constrictor wrapped around my brain and it is squeezing words and thoughts and feelings mercilessly out of my brain like lemon juice from a ripe lemon.

I spent a week in Paris, France once. The "city of love". Without being able to share it with her, I sometimes feel like I've never been anywhere. All I've done is gone to different places and pretended like it was possible for experiences not shared with her could matter. I've been to the Eiffel Tower, and I begged it to matter. But without her and her kid, it just doesn't. It can't. My brain has the worst wiring.

Post-coital kisses of her figure, up down and all across her body...

Fuck. Add that to the list of things life is nothing without.

One of my favorite feelings that exists is her feet upon my feet.

It's such a rich feeling in my memory, I wonder if it ever crosses her mind.

Spooning the one you love is pretty much what heaven must be like.

So, once in a while I visit this online chat room for depressed people. Typically I go there to listen to people who need an ear and while I'm there I try to make a joke or two. Personally, I find that humor immediately lightens moods and makes people comfortable with talking to you. Tonight, I think, I made a particularly good joke. Someone asked, "Is the glass half full or half empty?"

And I responded, "The glass was kidnapped by Nigerian extremists."

Personally, I think that joke highlighted the ridiculousness of the separatism with which the "depressed hipster self-absorbed community" tries to distinguish itself, and also the horrendous reality of the world we live in where armed hooligans are kidnapping little girls and exploiting them with pretty much zero consequences. Peace talks in Africa choose to whitewash the fact that these young girls are probably being raped on a daily basis by Boko Haram, while negotiations are ongoing.

Boko Haram do not represent Muslim values, and were my life acceptable currency I would gladly (well, begrudgingly) offer it up to every moron involved with Boko Haram or any other terrorist organization in exchange for the untainted lives of the little girls they have kidnapped.

Funny how nature makes mistakes on purpose. Humans aren't that great, evolutionarily speaking.

---

Then of course, you meet those one or two humans who make you feel that all the hard work and all the horror and all the sorrow and all the mistakes are worth it.

Then you meet R and S and you realize life is actually the best thing ever, for a brief moment. And you realize that you would fight all day every day for this planet and all its inhabitants. That there is nothing better than R and S and that they make the planet spin, the stars shine... S makes the tennis shoes come off and then place her bare feet on top of yours. She makes that pure bliss feeling of her feet on top of yours in bed happen. R and S make life so gloriously goofy and fulfilling, that even if you're a writer you can't think of a good ending to your description.

a day at the beach

I went walking along the beach, laid in the shade on a rock for a while, listening to music. When I got up to walk in the water I switched to Van Morrison. "Hungry For Your Love" came on, which I haven't listened to in a while. It's a tough one to listen to, but I put it on repeat. It meshed well with the waves. Also played "She Gives Me Religion" several times. Now hold up! Don't get all upset. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Come on, Stephen. 'She Gives Me Religion' ain't that great, the tempo is all wrong on pretty much the entire Beautiful Vision album." But check it, I wasn't listening to the studio version you dork, I was on that Live At The Grand Opera House Belfast shit. That's right, you know the live recording of "She Gives Me Religion" is a hot joint.

Who am I talking to.

Anyway. Listened to those two songs back and forth for a while. There are few things clearer than when ocean water runs across rocks. When it's not diluted by sand, the water is crystalline and you can see the shadow of ripples on the rock's facade as the water rushes back and forth. Someone had discarded a rose on the beach and its petals were floating in the water. I watched an individual rose petal dance with the tide over the rocks in the cool clear water for what seemed a long time. The petal was emitting a brilliant red color as it lay in the pellucid water. For a moment I felt like a flower petal.

I think I have my next story. It's tentatively titled "The Time I Lost My Hat, The Time I Lost My Hat And The Time I Lost My Hat". It will tie together the three different stories I have of losing a hat.

Then, with "Hungry For Your Love" ringing in my ears, I thought about all the roses I used to send and missed the feeling of being welcome to do so.

Was looking for a nature picture to post, but didn't get any good photos today. I'll use this old one of myself instead. No, that's not Justin Timberlake. Say what you want about me, I think I used to be relatively handsome and a sharp dresser. I was trying to bring sexy back.

"And though we're far apart,
you are here in my heart.
And though we're far apart
you're part of me now.

And after all the years,
and after all the tears,
and after all the tears
there's just the truth now.

I got such a lot of love,
I want to give it to you."

P.S.

I got laid in that suit, and it. was. awesome.

I been trying to steal you from "my best friend, Jim" since the moment I met you.

Ways To Tell If You're Weird

If your portable music device shuffles "You Won't Let Me Go" by Ray Charles, "Like A Virgin" by Madonna, "It Hurts To Tell You" by James Brown and "One Day You'll Be Mine" by Usher together, and you sing all of them in your car with equal accuracy and enthusiasm, you're probably weird.

I started reading an analysis of J.D. Salinger's "De Daumier-Smith's Blue Period" and midway through found myself bawling uncontrollably.

happy holidays Matt Phillips, you bastard

"Dear Stephen,

Thank you for submitting your writing to A Year in Ink. We received a high number of excellent submissions, and are sorry to inform you that your writing will not be included in this year's anthology.

We thank you for allowing us to read your work, and encourage you to submit next year. Best wishes on your writing, and happy holidays!

Sincerely,

Matt Phillips, Anthology Coordinator (Vol. 8)"

Why isn't there a "rescind" button for email yet? Seriously, that idea is a home run. I'll take my billion dollars now, Google.

---

I walked along a cliff overlooking the ocean, listening to the Irish band The Pogues. I recently acquired their last two albums that they made without their original frontman Shane MacGowan. I was skeptical of them, since Shane seemed to be the poet, but they're great albums.

Been thinking today that it's been over four years since I heard her voice. That's crazy to me. Truly crazy.

"Sometimes I'd wake up in the morning,
the ginger lady by my bed.
Covered in a cloak of silence
I'd hear you talking in my head.

I'm not singing for the future.
I'm not dreaming of the past.
I'm not talking of the first time,
I never think about the last.

Now the song is nearly over,
we may never find out what it means.
Still, there's a light I hold before me.
You're the measure of my dreams."

That last line. Damn.

Great Moments In 21st Century Texting

Generally speaking, I don't open up to anyone. But, once in a great while, I open up to my sister.

My sister said she was falling asleep so I said, "Up for a woman question or hold off?"
Sis: "Go for it."
Me: "If an ex who is with someone else sends a pic with her naked breast in it and acts nonchalant about it how should a guy interpret that?"
Sis: "Like she's looking for attention. Wth like just outta the blue?"
Me: "Well I email her once in a while and she normally doesn't respond. Then a couple weeks ago she was like, 'I'll send you some pictures.' She emails me about twice a year."
Sis: "Ummmm, that seems weird to throw a boob in there. She's toying with you it seems to me. If I were you I'd act like it didn't phase me."
Me: "Yeah well. I'm me. I fucked it up already. She has awesome boobs though."
Sis: "Lol tmi haha"
Me: "Yeah I'd probably been better off not knowing her boobs are awesome too."

Great Moments In 21st Century Television

If you haven't seen season 4 of The Wire then chances are your knowledge of the American education system is severely lacking.

The Wire – Season 4: Education

---

The time that 30 Rock perfectly represented the internet:

Liz Lemon Online

I'm fucking dumb. I should just die.

a damn good question

You know how when you love someone, but they don't love you back?

Why is life like that?

Sometimes it's hard to think of anything worse than only marginally mattering to someone who is your everything.

I wanted to e-mail her so badly today. Had a lot to say. But I'm doing my best not to inundate her with my pointless thoughts. I really hope I hear from her soon.

It's not even that I have a lot to say, so much as that I want to hear her response. E-mailing doesn't exactly embody fluid communication, but rambling ad nauseam is the next best thing to listening to her. Oh, to have a real conversation with her; the kind that takes places when our bodies are recumbent and our faces are only inches apart.

---

I realized that it's really pretty sad, going to bed with so many thoughts unspoken.

But hey, what's life without disappointment.

Well, my phone now appears to be broken, so even in the off chance anyone were to call me, whether about a job or anything else, I wouldn't get it.

Look on the bright side of life, Stephen. You learned how to type en and em dashes today.

This has been my soundtrack for the day: "Every Time It Rains" – Randy Newman

---

Been a long week. Maybe she didn't like my story.

I don't want to sleep, because I don't want to wake to face tomorrow.

I don't want to be awake, because I don't want to think about all the lonely, wasted days behind me.

Sigh. Memories are cold right now.

"The difference between what he had been then and what he now was, was enormous... Then he was free and fearless, and innumerable possibilities lay ready to open before him; now he felt himself caught in the meshes of a stupid, empty, valueless, frivolous life, out of which he saw no means of extricating himself even if he wished to... He remembered how proud he was at one time of his straightforwardness, how he had made a rule of always speaking the truth, and really had been truthful; and how he was now sunk deep in lies, the most dreadful of lies - lies considered as truth by all who surrounded him. And, as far as he could see, there was no way out of these lies. He had sunk in the mire, got used to it, wallowed in it." - Leo Tolstoy

Damn Tolstoy.

That's heavy.

I was watching Her and had to turn it off. Made me too goddamn lonely.

Such a draining feeling.

I wish I could tell her that I believe we're soul mates without sounding stupid. I was just listening to "Tir Na Nog" by Van Morrison. There's a YouTube video that a father made for his deceased son, and it's that song set to a slideshow that tells the Celtic mythology story behind the song. The guy's son was a big Van Morrison fan.

Maybe I'm just feeling mystical, but I know by the way the waves of our lives overlap that we're meant to be for each other. Even if I never see her again, I know it.

Who am I kidding... If I'm going to wish at all, I would wish that she'd say, "I agree."

"We've been together before,
in a different incarnation.
And we loved each other then as well,
and we sat down in contemplation.
Many many many times you kissed mine eyes,
in Tir Na Nog."

dream journal

I dreamt that I was visiting my hometown, and she came to my parents' house (it was their house but not really their house you know dreams) to see me. We were alone, and we sat on the couch. First a few feet apart, then quickly, as though it were inevitable, as though it were a joke we were both in on to be near each other and not touching, we pulled each other closer like we once did, and interlocked our bodies in a comfortable embrace as close as we could be to one another. She started showing me baby pictures she had brought of her daughter and we were smiling and flirting. I said, "You know I've seen some of these before." I said it because I didn't want her to think I'd forgotten. And she said wryly (how's that for a pun?), putting the pictures aside, "Oh well I didn't know you wouldn't want to look at them again." She said it jokingly and I said, "Of course I do," reaching across her to pick up the pictures again, "I just said it so you'd know." When I reached across her our faces were inches from each other and she gave me her furrow-browed, eyes wide open stare/smile that basically melted me. It's one of a few looks she has that could get me to do anything. I can't remember if we kissed in the dream, unfortunately, but I think we did.

Then suddenly I realized that I had old friends who were coming to visit. It was friends from my childhood and they were at the door. I ran to the door, and while I was disappointed we were being interrupted I was secretly happy to be able to introduce her to other people I knew. It was not a pleasure I ever really had. So at first it was six people that I used to know. When I started to introduce them though, I couldn't remember all of their names. I said, "Everyone this is my friend S, she just stopped by to visit me too. S this is..." and I couldn't remember my friends' names. I was getting them all confused and in the dream it was because I couldn't think about anything other than the fact that she was with me, that we were together for a brief moment and we were near each other and she was happy with me. I was so dizzy (I got physically dizzy in the dream) from her glances that I couldn't remember anyone else. Then other people appeared. It was a lot of people from the church I grew up in. "I didn't realize there'd be so many people here," I said. I was thinking, Oh no all these people are going to want to talk to me, but the next thing I remember is that the house was more or less filled with people, and they were conversing with one another, like a regular party, having drinks and eating cake. I couldn't find S and I was afraid she had left. I ran around the house looking for her, upstairs, downstairs. Then as I was coming back up from the basement, into the living room, I saw her walking toward the couch and my heart was relieved. I didn't want her to leave without saying goodbye. And I was so glad to see her again, cause each time it was like waking up to a brand new beautiful day. A woman in a chair near the couch, she was my pastor's wife when I was a kid, picked up a photo album from the floor and said, "You got a lotta pictures of you as a baby for some reason." S and I looked at each other and laughed and I explained, "No no no. Those aren't me. My friend here just brought pictures of her baby to share with me." I picked them up and the last thing I remember before waking up is seeing S's face, as we smiled at one another. We were surrounded by people, but all I could see was her. And in the dream I could see in her eyes that she felt the same.

I can't sleep at the moment.

Some dream.

When you're watching an objectively shitty movie but you're still crying, there's that voice in the back of your head that is saying, "What the fuck? Really?" I like that voice.

If it didn't have the lovable Tina Fey and Jason Bateman (nod to Timothy Olyphant) in it I'd probably have shut it off. Damn them.

Worst part is, that shit was based on a novel. It was so shitty I almost want to read the novel.

I was informed today that the Salk Institute rejected my application. I was really saddened by that.

---

I was driving in my car tonight and I realized I was smiling. I hadn't felt that in quite a while. It was because I received some pictures and I saw some things I thought I'd never see again. I saw my heart and she/they were smiling, so life can't be all bad.

---

Also, thanks to one photo in particular, I will no longer need porn for the rest of my life.

life lessons

When I was in high school I started writing a Vonnegut-esque novel about Sierra Leone, the R.U.F. (a deplorable militia) and the diamond trade of West Africa. The books I read about child soldiers and slave labor were devastating. I never finished the book though.

I watched a documentary recently about North Korea, and I was quite moved by a particular scene that spoke about the Grand People's Study House. The Grand People's Study House is the central branch of North Korea's library, which houses over 30 million volumes. Citizens are not allowed to view the shelves themselves. They can request a volume and a trained professional will retrieve it for them. There is also a philosophy room, where a citizen who has a philosophical question can ask a professor and, according to the tour guide, "Then the professors give them the correct answers immediately." It's incredible. I might combine these ideas. But it's been many years since I wrote anything long enough to be considered a novel, and I doubt any ideas I have will come to fruition. I'm too depressed.

My problem is, I have great ideas (at least I like them), but I watch them disappear, float away like helium balloons set free on a beach. I have no motivation, no inspiration, no connection. All I do is fail.

---

If someone tells you, "I can't imagine life without you" don't believe them.

Everyone can live without you. Life for normal people is only damage control.

---

I'm just a balloon, floating away into the vastness of sky with no sound, no direction, clinging childishly, frantically to memories of someone who no longer has sight of me.

Great Moments In 21st Century Journalism

Ben Affleck called Bill Maher and Sam Harris "racist" for attempting to intellectually debate the influence of Islamic religious tenants on modern society. At no point did either Bill Maher or Sam Harris denigrate either Islam or all Muslims as misogynists or terrorists.

And at no point did Ben Affleck realize that Islam is not a race. But knowing America, they'll side with the actor.

Nuanced argument... who needs it.

Overwhelmingly Emotional Moments In 21st Century Me

I had several things I was planning on posting about today, until a couple of hours ago when I discovered the news that Damien Rice has a new album coming out in November, and I found one of the new songs called "The Greatest Bastard". I've been listening to a live performance of it repeatedly and it pretty much wrecked all my thoughts.

Damien Rice - "The Greatest Bastard"

The new Leonard Cohen album Popular Problems is here. Not his most sonically inspiring or diverse, but what matters most with Cohen are the lyrics, and at the age of 80 he's as depressingly talented as always. "Samson In New Orleans"... what a poem. Here are some snippets of good lyrics from the album:

"All your moves are swift,
all your turns are tight.
Let me catch my breath,
I thought we had all night.

I like to take my time,
I like to linger as it flies.
A weekend on your lips,
A lifetime in your eyes."

---

"There is no God in Heaven,
and there is no Hell below.
So says the professor
of all there is to know.
But I've had the invitation
that a sinner can't refuse,
and it's almost like salvation.
It's almost like the blues."

---

My favorite song is the closing one, "You Got Me Singing". It reminds me of someone, and the song they used to me make me sing in my own heart. "The only song I ever had"... Damn you, Leonard Cohen.

"You got me singing,
even though the news is bad.
You got me singing,
the only song I ever had.

You got me singing
ever since the river died.
You got me thinking
of the places we could hide.

You got me singing,
even though the world is gone.
You got me thinking:
I'd like to carry on.

You got me singing,
even though it all looks grim.
You got me singing
the Hallelujah hymn.

You got me singing
like a prisoner in a jail.
You got me singing
like my pardon's in the mail.

You got me wishing
our little love would last.
You got me thinking
like those people of the past."

---

Sigh.

Well, Scotland won't be going independent, despite the fact that the taxes of British citizens still pay for the lavish lifestyle of a ridiculously irrelevant royal family.

Can't say I blame them though, since the Irish economy isn't doing so well with its independence.

---

Still, a lot of days I think about buying a plane ticket to Ireland and disappearing there.

I'd really like to disappear.

---

If I could do anything in the world, it would be to be with her.

If I could only do anything except that, it would be to disappear without bothering anyone.

It's a good weekend to be a Barca fan. Neymar's back from injury and Messi set him up with two beautiful goals. Barcelona is atop the Spanish league at the moment. I found out today the guy who runs the convenience store up the block is a Barca fan. He always calls me 'boss'. Now we're friends cause we support same the club.

---

I miss my friends Dave and Rocco.

I'm thinking bad thoughts and I wish I wasn't. Bad dreams this morning. They were so easy to interpret too, it hasn't been a good day except for the Barcelona win. Living requires so much more energy than I have.

Great Moments In 21st Century Television

Bill Maher talking about the Ray Rice scandal: "I gotta say, the difference between the NFL and the police is when the cops get caught beating somebody on videotape, they just tough it out. Seriously, if it was a cop in that elevator they'd be like, 'Nope! Tape doesn't tell the whole story.' "

---

Bill Maher talking about women's reproductive rights: "Women must be so tired of Republican congress people being medical super-geniuses about the vagina. Let's switch it up for a while and hear what gynecologists have to say about the national debt, shall we? I mean, when did this start in America that everybody gets to weigh in on women's reproductive issues? Hobby Lobby?! Who gives a shit what Hobby Lobby thinks."

les quatre cents postes

That's French. And yes (because I know you were wondering), it's a reference to Francois Truffaut's fantastic film the 400 blows.

---

Sometimes the only thing I like about myself is my J.D. Salinger tattoo.

When I play people in Scrabble online, I fuck up their world.

I was watching John Oliver talk about the problems of student debt, thoroughly enjoying it, and then at the end of his show his guest is the band A Great Big World singing their song "say something" and i...

fuck. life sucks.

---

At the grocery store today I bought some vodka, some miscellaneous groceries and a large bottle of lotion (for my psoriasis). When the young female cashier was scanning my items I realized it looked like I had little planned except to get drunk and masturbate.

That's not what I use the lotion for, but it looked like that. It was embarrassing.

A tribute to the comedy stylings of Yakov Smirnoff [read in Russian accent]

You know you're in America when your news headlines are about photos of naked celebrities (and how you should avoid them) and not about ISIS, Ukraine, Ferguson, Louisiana or any other number of meaningful issues.

Great Moments In 21st Century Music

If you love music, then Cecilia Bartoli singing "Sposa son disprezzata" will probably move you. Hopefully even if you're not a fan of opera. The entire performance is magnificent, but from 3:19 on is simply divine.

Italian	Translation in English
Sposa son disprezzata, fida son oltraggiata, cieli che feci mai? E pur egl'è il mio cor il mio sposo, il mio amor, la mia speranza. L'amo ma egl'è infedel spero ma egl'è crudel, morir mi lascierai? O Dio manca il valor valor e la costanza.	I am a scorned wife, faithful, yet insulted. Heavens, what did I do? And yet he is my heart, my husband, my love, my hope. I love him, but he is unfaithful, I hope, but he is cruel, will he let me die? O God, valor is missing - valor and constancy.

Great Moments In 21st Century History

I just watched the documentary After Tiller, which focuses on the issue of late-term abortions in the United States after the assassination of George Tiller, who was one of only five doctors in the nation to perform such procedures. The documentary starts off with a patient from Lincoln, Nebraska (my hometown) who traveled to Bellevue, Nebraska (a town about an hour away from Lincoln) to undergo the procedure.

It can really be quite disgusting in this country to see pretty quickly a bunch of elderly men sitting around discussing women's rights. Dr. Susan Robinson delivered an eloquent speech: "Women come here having decided that this is not a pregnancy that they can or want to sustain. And where does it come from that I get to say, 'Oh yeah? Well why? Why do you want to have an abortion? You explain to me. Justify it to me.' Why is that fair? What if you're just not a good storyteller? Why would it be okay for me to say, 'No, you've got to tell me a better story than that.' Because what I believe is that women are able to struggle with complex ethical issues and arrive at the right decision for themselves and their families. They are the world's experts on their own lives."

La Canción Desesperada

I've been reading some of Chilean poet Pablo Neruda's work. He has some really beautiful lines. The words are lovely in their original Spanish, but also translate into English quite nicely.


"in love you have loosened yourself like sea water:
I can scarcely measure the sky's most spacious eyes
and I lean down to your mouth to kiss the earth."

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"And when you appear
all the rivers sound
in my body, bells
shake the sky,
and a hymn fills the world."

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"Your knees, your breasts,
your waist
are missing parts of me like the hollow
of a thirsty earth
from which they broke off
a form,
and together
we are complete like a single river,
like a single grain of sand."

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"Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido."

A nine-year-old girl killed an instructor at a shooting range outside Las Vegas. She accidentally shot him with the fully automatic submachine gun she was being allowed to fire.

Her parents are extremely lucky the little girl wasn't physically harmed. But the mental anguish of shooting another person to death will certainly take its toll.

Welcome to America, where this unfortunate girl could not yet purchase cigarettes, operate a motor vehicle, attend an R-rated movie unaccompanied, or vote, but where she could spend her family vacation in a desert outside Vegas shooting military-grade weapons for fun.

What a world.

Should've known better than to watch 12 Years A Slave again. I saw it in the theater the day it came out, on a mild cool orange and yellow autumn afternoon in Minneapolis.

I guess in some way crying my eyes out makes me feel more alive, despite having been conditioned to be ashamed of my tears. Men aren't supposed to cry and all that bullshit.

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Next month it'll be four years since I've heard her voice. I remember the very last words I heard, where I was and the sound of everything.

Four goddamn years.

Barcelona's season is off to a good start, despite the absence of Neymar. He should be back shortly. Messi was on fire and the youth players/new signings impressed. I hope it's a good season for Iniesta and company.

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Looking forward to September, when Prince is releasing two new albums and Leonard Cohen is releasing one as well.

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Walked home from soccer listening to "needle in the hay" by elliott smith, thinking about things I wish I could look forward to.

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I wish I could study her body language every day. I want to be fluent.

I have a dream that one day she and I will watch the complete Buffy The Vampire Slayer series together. And then also The Wire. I dream about the laughter and the conversations that would happen. It would be so nice. Having a feeling with her was like having a whole new feeling.

It's not exactly MLK level, but it's enough for me.

I need to quit dreaming, though.

Great Moments In 21st Century Music

I've been listening to David Bazan's cover of the Vic Chesnutt song "Flirted With You All My Life" repeatedly. It's about death. Chesnutt was paralyzed in a car accident at the age of eighteen. He wrote and performed music until the age of forty-five when he committed suicide. Bazan is one of my favorite contemporary musicians, and this cover is great. But don't listen unless you don't mind being sad:

Flirted With You All My Life - David Bazan

Also, whoever uploaded this video called the songwriter Vic "Chestbutt" which is just awesome.

Great Moments In 21st Century Television/"Maybe the Jew's right"

One time Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert debated Islam vs Christianity:

the great debate

I finished reading Dave Eggers's latest book. His angst remains as the book is basically an interrogation about how abysmally disconnected all us cohabitants of earth are. It's about a mentally disturbed guy named Thomas (doubting?) who kidnaps and questions multiple people who have impacted his life, some he sympathizes with and some he despises, apparently in search of some kind of coherence. Basically he tries to wade through the chaos (disappointment) of his life to find some meaning amidst all the failure. He meets a woman named Sara (Bob Dylan has a beautiful song named "Sara" about his ex-wife and it involves the beach) on the beach near the abandoned barracks where he keeps his kidnapped persons and convinces himself that the purpose of all his actions was to lead him to this woman.

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Thomas: "Sara, I just want to get something I want. I don't think I've ever gotten any significant thing I wanted. You have no idea how weird it is to envision things and have them come to nothing. No vision has ever come true, no promise has ever been kept. But then there was you, and you were the promise that would obliterate all the disappointments of the past. Everything about you insisted on it. Your color, your hair, the way light projects from every part of you. You were the sun that would burn away all the putrid broken promises of the world."

Sara: "I wasn't that."

Thomas: "I know that now."

A shopping list worthy of Proust

I haven't purchased Diet Mountain Dew or "Flamin' Hot" Cheetos in at least four years. But I notice them every single time I'm at the grocery store.

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Picking up a copy of Dave Eggers's latest novel today.

Today I wish I could pack up a few books and some food onto a sailboat and float away. Sometimes the ocean waves are calmer than what's going on in my head and my heart.

I don't recommend walking in the moonlight by yourself through vacant lamp-lit parking lots while listening to "She's Out Of My Life" by Michael Jackson.

It's depressing.

And it doesn't help when the next song that comes on is Springsteen's cover of "Jersey Girl".

"Sometimes it's like someone took a knife, baby, edgy and dull
and cut a six inch valley through the middle of my skull.

At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet
and a freight train running through the middle of my head

only you... you cool my desire.
Oh oh oh I'm on fire."

sigh.

Today I found myself driving behind a truck that was towing a boat. The name of the boat was "Into The Mystic".

In case you are unaware, that's the name of a wonderful song by Van Morrison. I wish I could've spoken to the owner and discussed the boat's name with him. And also I wish I could've sailed on the "Into The Mystic" because I love sailing but I haven't been in a long, long time. I would've loved to sail on a boat named after a Van Morrison song.

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In other news, my sister helped my grandma move apartments. My grandma moves pretty much once a year. While she was helping my sister found some old photos. My sister is obsessed with ancestry.com. Here's a photo of my brother and me (I'm on the left):

Its ancient quality reminded me of my favorite photo of my father. I have a small rectangular box decorated with a painting by Claude Monet. In that box I keep the smallest and most precious items I own. It's mostly full of bookmarks I've designed/collected, ticket stubs from momentous concerts, and a few photos of my family and S and her daughter. It also contains a piece of hotel stationary that she scribbled on when we were in Hollywood together.

But anyway. Here is my favorite photo of my father: 

Great Moments In 21st Century Film

the blinking scene - The Master

A great scene from a P.T. Anderson film with two fantastic actors.

"Doris."

Finished reading The End Of The Affair. That book kind of kicked my ass. The main character, a writer, has an affair with a woman who claims to love him more than anything in the world but ultimately can't leave her husband. They appear to be madly in love. One day, she stops speaking to him without explanation. He falls into a despair, an angry bitter despair, no longer caring about writing or anything else. The book has many haunting scenes where realities are questioned, regrets are pondered, uncomforting truths are spread out peacefully to die like snow in a vacant field. Yada yada yada. And so on and so on.

"Insecurity is the worst sense that lovers feel: sometimes the most humdrum desireless marriage seems better. Insecurity twists meanings and poisons trust."

"I drew my mind together, and I thought, Now that everything is really over, I have got to begin again. I have fallen in love once: it can be done again. But I was unconvinced: it seemed to me that I had given all the sex I had away."

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I also saw the film Boyhood the other day, the film Richard Linklater shot over the course of twelve years, using all the same actors so that you see them age throughout the film. It was pretty.

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Sigh.

This is what my niece had to say about chapter two of Of Mice And Men. Go ahead... tell me it isn't incredible:

"So far the message is really good in this book. How sometimes being different from each other can benefit each other. Lennie shows George how to dream and enjoy the little thing and George shows Lennie responsibility and how to communicate with others."