I've been having such sorrowful dreams.
Today my dream started out back in the basement of a house that doesn't exist but that is a real place. I was going back to work with the kids I used to work with, and as I was moving my stuff in these other people were getting in my way and starting to take up the space. I moved my bed in and they put a couch in front of it and just laid on the bed and sat on the couch, ignoring me. They were nudging me out and so I had to go wander. I wandered around the fictional corridors of this mansion-sized basement, feeling blue, unwanted and displaced.
Then I remember somehow I was suddenly wandering the streets of Lincoln on a wet gray day. As I was walking, downcast, I came across the first girl I ever had a crush on back in elementary school. Her name was Melanie. I liked her because she was pretty, sweet, shy and goofy. She was grown up in my dream and we flirted a bit, then she let me take her on a walk. She looked down and asked me about my shoes. We were both wearing white shoes but mine were very dirty. She said that she loved wearing white shoes, and I said me too, and then I tried to explain that I normally don't let them get this dirty because I was embarrassed. Then I looked down again and my shoes had turned into my black work shoes.
I asked about her life and she said that she had so much to tell me, with a big excited smile on her face, but that I probably wasn't interested. I told her of course I was interested, and she was happy I was interested. I was having those early feelings you get when you meet somebody new and it feels sweet, swellingly sweet. I had longed for that feeling and that connection. We stopped for coffee at this open shop, and at one of the tables in the shop a bunch of guys that I used to know were sitting around it. I try to avoid eye contact because I just wanted to keep walking with Melanie. But they were staring at me so I gave them a head nod and then Melanie and I left.
I haven't described everything in the dream, but I know what the dream meant.
It was about second chances. Wanting to go back and redo things in my life, do them differently, do them better, etc. Wanting a do-over, wanting to re-connect to life and to being and to being with someone warm and sweet and funny and kind. Wanting to be better at being me.
But it was only a dream.
Like F. Scott Fitzgerald once wrote in an unfinished novel, "There are no second acts in American lives."
Once you dirty your white shoes, there is no going back.
July 29, 2015
July 24, 2015
I went with my friend Teasha to see the new Woody Allen movie Irrational Man. I have a bit of a man-crush on Joaquin Phoenix, I think he's an incredible actor, and I go see most of his movies in the theater. Woody Allen is always hit or miss, and for me personally, this one was a hit. I read unfavorable reviews before I went to see it and so I was a bit discouraged, thinking it wasn't going to be very good. But I think it was awesome, Joaquin was fantastic, as was Emma Stone whom I've never really seen act before (though her cameo on 30 Rock is hilarious). She was wonderful.
The movie continues the long explored themes of existentialism within Woody Allen's work.
I thought all aspects of the film came together very well, and I was also really impressed with the cinematography, so I looked up the cinematographer. It's Darius Khondji, and he has a long list of great credits. He shot David Fincher's Seven, and this really beautiful French film I watched not too long ago called Amour.
Anyway. I love Joaquin Phoenix and I really liked this film. And I came here to talk to myself about it because there is no one else to talk to.
---
There was a picnic day at the Salk Institute today, for all the employees. There is this beautiful woman who works in one of the labs, and I saw her sitting on the grass alone. She looks a lot like someone that I used to know. I really wanted to muster the courage to go and talk to her, to introduce myself, to go out on a limb, to try, but I couldn't. I couldn't try. I am too sad to try, and I've already failed enough in this life.
I hung out with my co-worker's 5-year-old daughter and had her laughing all afternoon. We were being goofy together. She counted by 10s to 100 to impress me. Then I said I could do it too. I counted, "Ten, eighteen, fourty-four, ninety-eight, four thousand!" She laughed and laughed.
The movie continues the long explored themes of existentialism within Woody Allen's work.
I thought all aspects of the film came together very well, and I was also really impressed with the cinematography, so I looked up the cinematographer. It's Darius Khondji, and he has a long list of great credits. He shot David Fincher's Seven, and this really beautiful French film I watched not too long ago called Amour.
Anyway. I love Joaquin Phoenix and I really liked this film. And I came here to talk to myself about it because there is no one else to talk to.
---
There was a picnic day at the Salk Institute today, for all the employees. There is this beautiful woman who works in one of the labs, and I saw her sitting on the grass alone. She looks a lot like someone that I used to know. I really wanted to muster the courage to go and talk to her, to introduce myself, to go out on a limb, to try, but I couldn't. I couldn't try. I am too sad to try, and I've already failed enough in this life.
I hung out with my co-worker's 5-year-old daughter and had her laughing all afternoon. We were being goofy together. She counted by 10s to 100 to impress me. Then I said I could do it too. I counted, "Ten, eighteen, fourty-four, ninety-eight, four thousand!" She laughed and laughed.
July 23, 2015
Great Moments In 20th Century Music and other thoughts
Picked up a copy of a book entitled All My Puny Sorrows by Canadian author Miriam Toews from the library. I'm not familiar with her work, but I discovered her on the McSweeney's website. The title intrigued me enough to read the description and the description intrigued me enough to get the book. I'm looking forward to reading it. It's about the relationship between two sisters, one of whom suffers from manic depression and wants to end her life. I don't read many contemporary novels, but some minor research into the author and the work has already led me to a promising film called Silent Light by a Mexican director, which I'm looking forward to seeing, and to the poems of Samuel Taylor Coleridge (the title of Toews' novel is apparently derived from one of his poems).
---
The other day at soccer the organizer, an older man from South Africa, asked about the redness on my legs. I told him I have psoriasis. He went off on a tangent about how I need to get it taken care of, he asked me if I have a woman (I don't) and then he said I will never get one until I do. I didn't disagree with him, but the way he put it was tactless.
Who cares. I'll never love again anyway. Love is a joke.
---
I miss S and R's voices. They were the happiest most beautiful music to me.
---
Anyway, remember how awesome Lauryn Hill is?
Here's a great song you should love: "Ex-Factor" – Lauryn Hill
---
The other day at soccer the organizer, an older man from South Africa, asked about the redness on my legs. I told him I have psoriasis. He went off on a tangent about how I need to get it taken care of, he asked me if I have a woman (I don't) and then he said I will never get one until I do. I didn't disagree with him, but the way he put it was tactless.
Who cares. I'll never love again anyway. Love is a joke.
---
I miss S and R's voices. They were the happiest most beautiful music to me.
---
Anyway, remember how awesome Lauryn Hill is?
Here's a great song you should love: "Ex-Factor" – Lauryn Hill
July 16, 2015
July 12, 2015
July 11, 2015
When it comes to playing soccer, I am somewhere between mediocre and average. Once in a while I play really well, once in a while I play horribly, but most of the time I play okay and don't make too many mistakes. The collection of people I play with has mostly very good players, players better than me. A few of them are actually great and a few others are at about the same level as me, and the rest of them are very good.
Today I played the best game I've ever played. I play in a defensive position but I was all over the field today. I was stealing the ball and blocking my opponents on defense, then I was dribbling, shooting, scoring and assisting on offense. I was really proud of the way I played today. I scored 3 goals (a hat trick), made 2 assists, and had a few key passes. Maybe the U.S. Women's team inspired me, or maybe it was the omelet I ate for brunch, but even the opposing team was giving me high-fives.
I wish I had a woman to come home to so that I could feel proud for a moment, a woman who would be impressed with me and who would reward me with some playful flirting. I'm not a bragger and self-esteem is a foreign concept to me, but it's nice when someone loves you and you can impress them in a silly way. I would tell her how great I did, for once, and she'd smile and be happy for me and I might even get a kiss (after I showered, of course).
I wish I had someone to count on and to be happy about the little things with. Without her, it all seems so hollow.
Today I played the best game I've ever played. I play in a defensive position but I was all over the field today. I was stealing the ball and blocking my opponents on defense, then I was dribbling, shooting, scoring and assisting on offense. I was really proud of the way I played today. I scored 3 goals (a hat trick), made 2 assists, and had a few key passes. Maybe the U.S. Women's team inspired me, or maybe it was the omelet I ate for brunch, but even the opposing team was giving me high-fives.
I wish I had a woman to come home to so that I could feel proud for a moment, a woman who would be impressed with me and who would reward me with some playful flirting. I'm not a bragger and self-esteem is a foreign concept to me, but it's nice when someone loves you and you can impress them in a silly way. I would tell her how great I did, for once, and she'd smile and be happy for me and I might even get a kiss (after I showered, of course).
I wish I had someone to count on and to be happy about the little things with. Without her, it all seems so hollow.
July 7, 2015
Great Moments In 21st Century Television
I probably never would've watched The Office if not for the fact that it's my sister's favorite show.
This scene always reminds me of a moment I shared with Jerry, a coworker of mine who died in a car accident. He was one of the only people I ever spoke to openly about my feelings for S. He and I were cleaning the walls of a flooded room, listening to Hispanic music from the radio. I told him how I felt about S and he was surprised. He told me to go for it.
It's funny, I remember the first time I ever made S laugh/smile. We were in a staff meeting and I was making jokes to her about how awesome Jerry was and how he and I "go way back". I'll never forget the first time I made her laugh.
And I remember Jerry's funeral, when I held R's hand.
I miss Jerry sometimes.
I miss S and R always.
"Don't give up." – The Office
This scene always reminds me of a moment I shared with Jerry, a coworker of mine who died in a car accident. He was one of the only people I ever spoke to openly about my feelings for S. He and I were cleaning the walls of a flooded room, listening to Hispanic music from the radio. I told him how I felt about S and he was surprised. He told me to go for it.
It's funny, I remember the first time I ever made S laugh/smile. We were in a staff meeting and I was making jokes to her about how awesome Jerry was and how he and I "go way back". I'll never forget the first time I made her laugh.
And I remember Jerry's funeral, when I held R's hand.
I miss Jerry sometimes.
I miss S and R always.
"Don't give up." – The Office
July 1, 2015
"Do you remember all of those pledges
that we pledged in the passionate night?
They're soiled now, they're torn at the edges,
like moths on a still yellow light.
No penance serves to renew them,
no massive transfusions of trust.
Why, not even revenge can undo them,
so twisted these vows and so crushed.
Children have taken these pledges,
they have ferried them out of the past.
Beyond all the graves and the hedges
where love must go hiding at last.
And here where there is no description,
here in the moment at hand,
no sinner need rise up forgiven,
no victim need limp to the stand.
And look, dear heart, look at the virgin.
Look how she welcomes him into her gown.
Yes and mark how the stranger's cold armor
dissolves like a star falling down.
Why trade this vision for desire
when you may have them both?
You will never see a man this naked,
I will never hold a woman this close."
– Leonard Cohen
that we pledged in the passionate night?
They're soiled now, they're torn at the edges,
like moths on a still yellow light.
No penance serves to renew them,
no massive transfusions of trust.
Why, not even revenge can undo them,
so twisted these vows and so crushed.
Children have taken these pledges,
they have ferried them out of the past.
Beyond all the graves and the hedges
where love must go hiding at last.
And here where there is no description,
here in the moment at hand,
no sinner need rise up forgiven,
no victim need limp to the stand.
And look, dear heart, look at the virgin.
Look how she welcomes him into her gown.
Yes and mark how the stranger's cold armor
dissolves like a star falling down.
Why trade this vision for desire
when you may have them both?
You will never see a man this naked,
I will never hold a woman this close."
– Leonard Cohen
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