"Oh sister, when I come to knock on your door,
don't turn away, you'll create sorrow.
Time is an ocean but it ends at the shore.
You may not see me tomorrow."

-BD

Several nightmares this morning.

Nightmares in which she did everything to me; abandoned me, laughed at me, ignored me, humiliated me, teased me, manipulated me, ignored me.

In the dreams I felt that old gut-wrenching feeling of seeing her walk away. I was crying in front of people who knew me and I was embarrassed. I crawled away mortally wounded, clutching my aching gut as my soul dripped out like blood.

And still, all I could do was desire one look in her eyes. In the dream, I saw in her eyes that beautiful ocean I once got lost in.

I feel as though she let me in and abandoned me there. I've been drowning.

I can't breathe anymore.

I'm  not normal. This can't be normal. I wish I was normal. Did she stop loving me because I'm not normal? I think I was born wrong and I see why she can't love me.

We were both in the ocean, offering life rafts to one another. It seems she pushed mine away. I loved her so much that as she swam away I punched a hole in mine. Without her, I just can't seem not to want to drown.

She made me feel secure. She made me feel valuable. She made me feel real and normal. I miss holding her. Listening to her. I miss knowing her, being her best friend. I want her to be happy so badly. Maybe she is. I'll never get to know because her eyes no longer look at me.

I miss feeling whole.

Being in Iowa City and not seeing her is the worst torture.