Raking Water/Great Moments In 21st Century Texting/Chicken Salad Sequel

I was alone and bored at the Salk Institute so I decided I'd shovel some water. Today is misty, foggy and rainy in California which to me is nice. Most people in California don't like it but I do. I wanted to be outside so I went and raked some rain. I had one of those "zen" (the word "zen" should only ever be said inside quotation marks) moments. I was shoveling water from one travertine stoop to another and all of the sudden I was present. I wasn't the unhappy, sad, depressed me, I was just me.

I wasn't the me who was crying eating chicken salad.

I have had these moments before. When I was a teenager I read a lot of Buddhist philosophy books, by authors like Thich Nhat Hanh and Alan Watts, and they helped me with my anxiety/depression problems. Recently my niece was expressing concern about being able to live in the moment so I recommended that she read Become What You Are by Alan Watts. She really enjoyed it. Yesterday, I was talking to her a little bit about love and first kisses. I nearly told her about S but thank god i didn't.

I told my niece that I have a man-crush on Mark Duplass and I shared with her the short film "This Is John" because we were talking about anxiety. So then this:

Me: I have a man-crush on him [Mark Duplass]. You have any crushes these days?
Niece: Well maybe haha
Me: Besides van morrison. dude is TOO OLD FOR YOU!
Niece: hahaha pff or damien rice :P My friend Jacob.
Me: Damien Rice IS handsome. And I'm straight. Even I would find it hard to say "no" to Damien :P
Niece: Wow. If only you could choose if you were straight or not.
Me: So what's up with Jacob?
Niece: Well he's in like all advanced classes so he's pretty smart. Umm. He's pretty nerdy. :p
Me: mhmm mhmm... Okay okay... just know "advanced classes" doesn't necessarily equal "smart". He's cute though?
Niece: Well, I know but he's always butchering me with facts and I get so lost. Well I would say he's pretty cute. Do you have any crushes? You can still have those right? :)
Me: I still have a crush. It just didn't work out. She's not an option anymore. I can still get crushes.
Niece: Well I'm sure someone will come along sometime. Or you can marry Jetta!

Jetta is my sister's fat cat, and I have a funny obsession with Jetta that makes my sister and my niece laugh. So I said to my niece:

Me: You know how much I love Jetta? Well Jetta doesn't even compare. You got Jacob's number yet?
Niece: I've had it since like fifth grade. I've liked him for awhile.
Me: How does he feel?
Niece: He has liked me in the past, but you know, friends are good. I'm not sure right now. To be honest, I hate hormones. Especially when your parents get involved.
Me: Feelings are the worst. :p But they're also the point to living.

Well the conversation went on but I won't bore anybody with more. The point is I was talking with my niece about first kisses yesterday and today I recalled mine. I was shoveling rainwater out onto a brick slab and I was 15/16 and it was at night in the rainbow glow of a neon light atop an old staircase in the historic district of Lincoln, Nebraska. It was a moment like a time when all moments become one. Because I didn't just think about my first kiss, I thought about my last kiss and I thought about my best kiss. My best kiss hasn't happened yet. I've had some goddamn good ones but my best is yet to come and while I was raking water I was hopeful for a moment. I was hopeful that one day S would be wearing white, standing next to me and saying "I do" and that kiss that would come after that would be the best kiss I'd ever have. I knew in the moment of my silly dreaming that that kiss will never happen but it also was just okay to dream about it. The best kiss ever might just go unkissed. Like when we locked eyes in the rain outside the auditorium after the concert. It was okay to imagine and be hopeful. I haven't felt that in a long time and on the way home from work through the mist I got misty-eyed while singing Van Morrison's "And It Stoned Me" because that song is about those moments, those first kiss/last kiss/unkissed/best kiss moments. Those moments when raking water is equivalent to the best chicken salad sandwich ever and everything is beautiful, wrong and all right all at the same time.