I'm fucking dumb. I should just die.

a damn good question

You know how when you love someone, but they don't love you back?

Why is life like that?

Sometimes it's hard to think of anything worse than only marginally mattering to someone who is your everything.

I wanted to e-mail her so badly today. Had a lot to say. But I'm doing my best not to inundate her with my pointless thoughts. I really hope I hear from her soon.

It's not even that I have a lot to say, so much as that I want to hear her response. E-mailing doesn't exactly embody fluid communication, but rambling ad nauseam is the next best thing to listening to her. Oh, to have a real conversation with her; the kind that takes places when our bodies are recumbent and our faces are only inches apart.

---

I realized that it's really pretty sad, going to bed with so many thoughts unspoken.

But hey, what's life without disappointment.

Well, my phone now appears to be broken, so even in the off chance anyone were to call me, whether about a job or anything else, I wouldn't get it.

Look on the bright side of life, Stephen. You learned how to type en and em dashes today.

This has been my soundtrack for the day: "Every Time It Rains" – Randy Newman

---

Been a long week. Maybe she didn't like my story.

I don't want to sleep, because I don't want to wake to face tomorrow.

I don't want to be awake, because I don't want to think about all the lonely, wasted days behind me.

Sigh. Memories are cold right now.

"The difference between what he had been then and what he now was, was enormous... Then he was free and fearless, and innumerable possibilities lay ready to open before him; now he felt himself caught in the meshes of a stupid, empty, valueless, frivolous life, out of which he saw no means of extricating himself even if he wished to... He remembered how proud he was at one time of his straightforwardness, how he had made a rule of always speaking the truth, and really had been truthful; and how he was now sunk deep in lies, the most dreadful of lies - lies considered as truth by all who surrounded him. And, as far as he could see, there was no way out of these lies. He had sunk in the mire, got used to it, wallowed in it." - Leo Tolstoy

Damn Tolstoy.

That's heavy.