I was watching Her and had to turn it off. Made me too goddamn lonely.

Such a draining feeling.

I wish I could tell her that I believe we're soul mates without sounding stupid. I was just listening to "Tir Na Nog" by Van Morrison. There's a YouTube video that a father made for his deceased son, and it's that song set to a slideshow that tells the Celtic mythology story behind the song. The guy's son was a big Van Morrison fan.

Maybe I'm just feeling mystical, but I know by the way the waves of our lives overlap that we're meant to be for each other. Even if I never see her again, I know it.

Who am I kidding... If I'm going to wish at all, I would wish that she'd say, "I agree."

"We've been together before,
in a different incarnation.
And we loved each other then as well,
and we sat down in contemplation.
Many many many times you kissed mine eyes,
in Tir Na Nog."

dream journal

I dreamt that I was visiting my hometown, and she came to my parents' house (it was their house but not really their house you know dreams) to see me. We were alone, and we sat on the couch. First a few feet apart, then quickly, as though it were inevitable, as though it were a joke we were both in on to be near each other and not touching, we pulled each other closer like we once did, and interlocked our bodies in a comfortable embrace as close as we could be to one another. She started showing me baby pictures she had brought of her daughter and we were smiling and flirting. I said, "You know I've seen some of these before." I said it because I didn't want her to think I'd forgotten. And she said wryly (how's that for a pun?), putting the pictures aside, "Oh well I didn't know you wouldn't want to look at them again." She said it jokingly and I said, "Of course I do," reaching across her to pick up the pictures again, "I just said it so you'd know." When I reached across her our faces were inches from each other and she gave me her furrow-browed, eyes wide open stare/smile that basically melted me. It's one of a few looks she has that could get me to do anything. I can't remember if we kissed in the dream, unfortunately, but I think we did.

Then suddenly I realized that I had old friends who were coming to visit. It was friends from my childhood and they were at the door. I ran to the door, and while I was disappointed we were being interrupted I was secretly happy to be able to introduce her to other people I knew. It was not a pleasure I ever really had. So at first it was six people that I used to know. When I started to introduce them though, I couldn't remember all of their names. I said, "Everyone this is my friend S, she just stopped by to visit me too. S this is..." and I couldn't remember my friends' names. I was getting them all confused and in the dream it was because I couldn't think about anything other than the fact that she was with me, that we were together for a brief moment and we were near each other and she was happy with me. I was so dizzy (I got physically dizzy in the dream) from her glances that I couldn't remember anyone else. Then other people appeared. It was a lot of people from the church I grew up in. "I didn't realize there'd be so many people here," I said. I was thinking, Oh no all these people are going to want to talk to me, but the next thing I remember is that the house was more or less filled with people, and they were conversing with one another, like a regular party, having drinks and eating cake. I couldn't find S and I was afraid she had left. I ran around the house looking for her, upstairs, downstairs. Then as I was coming back up from the basement, into the living room, I saw her walking toward the couch and my heart was relieved. I didn't want her to leave without saying goodbye. And I was so glad to see her again, cause each time it was like waking up to a brand new beautiful day. A woman in a chair near the couch, she was my pastor's wife when I was a kid, picked up a photo album from the floor and said, "You got a lotta pictures of you as a baby for some reason." S and I looked at each other and laughed and I explained, "No no no. Those aren't me. My friend here just brought pictures of her baby to share with me." I picked them up and the last thing I remember before waking up is seeing S's face, as we smiled at one another. We were surrounded by people, but all I could see was her. And in the dream I could see in her eyes that she felt the same.

I can't sleep at the moment.

Some dream.

When you're watching an objectively shitty movie but you're still crying, there's that voice in the back of your head that is saying, "What the fuck? Really?" I like that voice.

If it didn't have the lovable Tina Fey and Jason Bateman (nod to Timothy Olyphant) in it I'd probably have shut it off. Damn them.

Worst part is, that shit was based on a novel. It was so shitty I almost want to read the novel.

I was informed today that the Salk Institute rejected my application. I was really saddened by that.

---

I was driving in my car tonight and I realized I was smiling. I hadn't felt that in quite a while. It was because I received some pictures and I saw some things I thought I'd never see again. I saw my heart and she/they were smiling, so life can't be all bad.

---

Also, thanks to one photo in particular, I will no longer need porn for the rest of my life.

life lessons

When I was in high school I started writing a Vonnegut-esque novel about Sierra Leone, the R.U.F. (a deplorable militia) and the diamond trade of West Africa. The books I read about child soldiers and slave labor were devastating. I never finished the book though.

I watched a documentary recently about North Korea, and I was quite moved by a particular scene that spoke about the Grand People's Study House. The Grand People's Study House is the central branch of North Korea's library, which houses over 30 million volumes. Citizens are not allowed to view the shelves themselves. They can request a volume and a trained professional will retrieve it for them. There is also a philosophy room, where a citizen who has a philosophical question can ask a professor and, according to the tour guide, "Then the professors give them the correct answers immediately." It's incredible. I might combine these ideas. But it's been many years since I wrote anything long enough to be considered a novel, and I doubt any ideas I have will come to fruition. I'm too depressed.

My problem is, I have great ideas (at least I like them), but I watch them disappear, float away like helium balloons set free on a beach. I have no motivation, no inspiration, no connection. All I do is fail.

---

If someone tells you, "I can't imagine life without you" don't believe them.

Everyone can live without you. Life for normal people is only damage control.

---

I'm just a balloon, floating away into the vastness of sky with no sound, no direction, clinging childishly, frantically to memories of someone who no longer has sight of me.

Great Moments In 21st Century Journalism

Ben Affleck called Bill Maher and Sam Harris "racist" for attempting to intellectually debate the influence of Islamic religious tenants on modern society. At no point did either Bill Maher or Sam Harris denigrate either Islam or all Muslims as misogynists or terrorists.

And at no point did Ben Affleck realize that Islam is not a race. But knowing America, they'll side with the actor.

Nuanced argument... who needs it.