I watch her grow
through photographs.

My love encased
in cooling wax.

Great Moments In 19th Century Literature

"When two mouths, made sacred by love, draw near each other to create, it is impossible that above that ineffable kiss there should not be a thrill in the immense mystery of the stars... Love is the only ecstasy, everything else weeps."

-Victor Hugo

J.J. Cale's song "Magnolia" is really getting to me.

Sigh.

"Oh sister, when I come to knock on your door,
don't turn away, you'll create sorrow.
Time is an ocean but it ends at the shore.
You may not see me tomorrow."

-BD

Several nightmares this morning.

Nightmares in which she did everything to me; abandoned me, laughed at me, ignored me, humiliated me, teased me, manipulated me, ignored me.

In the dreams I felt that old gut-wrenching feeling of seeing her walk away. I was crying in front of people who knew me and I was embarrassed. I crawled away mortally wounded, clutching my aching gut as my soul dripped out like blood.

And still, all I could do was desire one look in her eyes. In the dream, I saw in her eyes that beautiful ocean I once got lost in.

I feel as though she let me in and abandoned me there. I've been drowning.

I can't breathe anymore.

I'm  not normal. This can't be normal. I wish I was normal. Did she stop loving me because I'm not normal? I think I was born wrong and I see why she can't love me.

We were both in the ocean, offering life rafts to one another. It seems she pushed mine away. I loved her so much that as she swam away I punched a hole in mine. Without her, I just can't seem not to want to drown.

She made me feel secure. She made me feel valuable. She made me feel real and normal. I miss holding her. Listening to her. I miss knowing her, being her best friend. I want her to be happy so badly. Maybe she is. I'll never get to know because her eyes no longer look at me.

I miss feeling whole.

Being in Iowa City and not seeing her is the worst torture.